Dig the PIG!
I live in absolute denial that this day is actually ever coming and yet every year it arrives. Don’t shake your head at me! You all do the exact same thing. We all know the end of the football season is closing in on us…like sands through the hour glass (I will not start humming the Days of Our Lives theme song here…I promise!). The end has arrived folks. How many of you actually watched that joke of a Pro Bowl just because IT’S FOOTBALL? (sheepishly raises hand) I don’t know what to do when football season ends. I seriously just sit around that first weekend with no concept of time, no direction…just that eerie feeling that something is missing. So on this Super Bowl week of 2010, I’m going to get a little better prepared for the weekend after the Super Bowl. Let’s brainstorm some ideas on things we can do to survive to the NFL Draft in April!
1. Clean my yard: Seriously? I’d rather makeout with Janet Reno than clean my yard. What? She drools and has fake teeth, and looks like a wrinkled up Alfred E. Newman but my yard is ridiculous. Jam her full of Tic Tacs, drink 30 beers and I’m making out with Megan Fox! The ass-hat that built this house thought it would be sweet to have 137 oak trees on a half-acre lot. Sheer genius. Oh, the shade in the summer is great down in this Mississippi heat…it easily drops the temperature .4 degrees and completely eliminates the 99% humidity. Then fall comes along and I have 4.6 tons of damn leaves on my yard. WTF? I’m supposed to rake these? Is that what is supposed to happen? I am WAY too lazy for that. Last year I put my kids to work…after 3 months we were down to 4.6 tons of leaves on the yard. I took the mower and mowed my lot 137 times. Just dust after that. This year, I have a new plan! I’m going to get a giant flame-thrower and just walk around torching my entire yard. If that damn dog that keeps tearing up my trash comes anywhere near my house on that day…TOAST! My neighbor’s gay spring decorations may just bite the dust as well. So…I’m not cleaning my yard per se but I am TORCHING THE HELL OUT OF IT! Sweet…this will kill one weekend.
2. BBQ: This goes without saying doesn’t it? I already love to BBQ during the season but we’re shifting into OVERDRIVE this off-season. Time for a bigger smoker, bigger wood (out of the gutter pervert), bigger meat (damn this sounds bad)…I’m going into Myron Mixon mode! New rubs, new sauces, new cuts of meat…it’s all getting done this off-season. I’ll hit the lab and try to crank out some new recipes for our Friday recipe piece next season. If anything comes out crappy, I’ll just inject it with antifreeze and feed it to the neighborhood dogs. Piece of cake! This is a definite go for the off-season!
3. Answer my Spam emails: Yes, my snake email account gets absolutely crushed with Spam email during the off-season. It’s sweet. I just ordered 3 bottles of Viagra and a Russian Bride that they say is “Beautiful”. Hopefully they both get here at the same time. If the Bride gets here before the pills then what? Summon my natural powers? Sure if she’s hot, but we both know she’s going to have a beard and 3 teeth. My plan? Drink about one case of beer, pop 3 blue pills and pretend Olga doesn’t look like a power lifter. Is this a bad plan? Isn’t this a good way to kill a weekend during the off-season? If nothing else it will a) be entertaining, b) get me drunk, c) provide me with a 16 hour erection and d) test the ability to mail brides back to Russia when I’m not fully satisfied. I think I’m going to give this one a go. Thank you Spam.
4. Spend time with your wife: Luckily, I’m not married anymore but for those of you that are, you know the off-season is your time to put in all the “quality time” with your wife you can to build up the credit for next football season. I understand you don’t want to hang out with your wife, I know that the thought of watching some stupid chick-flick with her and listening to her talk about nonsensical topics like house improvements, family and hobbies makes you want to scrape your cerebellum out with a spoon. I get it. You also know, it has to be done. You’re going in on a mission! To free up the 2010 football season you must endure time on the couch, time watching Lifetime movies and walks around the neighborhood (you get bonus points for walking beside her instead of way out in front…just an FYI). If she wants to watch a Lifetime movie, get a case of beer and play a neat little drinking game…every time you seen a washed-up has-been 80’s TV star in one of the movies you chug a beer. You’ll be so damn hammered by commercial break #4 you will think you’re watching NASCAR. All’s well. Do the time fellas…do the time!
5. March Madness, NFL Draft, Baseball…beer…beer…beer: I will be sad when the Super Bowl is over for a week or two and then it’s March Madness time! I even have tickets to the Sweet 16 and Elite 8 games in Syracuse this year with my brother. Talk about 4 days of hoops heaven and beer laden debauchery! March Madness is AWESOME and will definitely help soothe the football withdrawals. Once that’s done we get to look towards the NFL Draft. Who doesn’t love that? We all sit around and wonder how on earth that butt dumpling Mel Kiper makes a living off of predicting the draft so badly. Seriously, he’s the weather man of the NFL! He’s wrong 90% of the time. I’m convinced his hair is bulletproof. Do we care? NO! It is NFL action in our worlds. New players to draft on new teams and loads of highlights and speculation. It’s what we live for. Baseball? Yeah, me neither. Beer is going to have to play a big role in my survival to kickoff 2010. It’s website research! Our Friday piece recommends a beer every week, we have the Beer Guy video blog, the least I can do is my part in the research department! I’m going to devote a lot more time to PA’s BRD (Beer Research Department) this off-season.
I’m sure these 5 things have given you all sorts of neat ideas! It’s opened your mind to the fact that football is about over and you need to be prepared to move on with life. We all have to cope somehow and these are a handful of the things I plan on doing. I have survived off-season after off-season so I’m sure I’ll be able to make it. It won’t be easy, but we do what we have to. Feel free to post some of your ideas!
